Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize