My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
