I faked an abortion last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
