Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I want to have your abortion
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
