you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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