He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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