What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
