dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
