If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
