I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
