I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
