I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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