69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
