It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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