I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
