I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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