I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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