Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
