Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
