she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
