This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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