Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
