from now on my penis is your penis
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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