I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
