I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
