There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
