my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we're making bets on your personal life
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
