i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
