if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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