Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
