good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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