can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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