in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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