I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
