I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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