How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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