happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
