yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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