6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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