So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
These tits shall not be calmed
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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