Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
