That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
