i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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