false alarm. still invincible.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Drunk is not a location!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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