U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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