So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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