Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
