So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
