Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
