when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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