she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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