I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
