I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
