Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
