He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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