two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
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