I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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